Dare's Girl Meets Duke Series (The Duchess Deal: Book 1)

The Duchess Deal (Girl Meets Duke, Book 1)

Tessa Dare

Stars:  Definitely ⭐⭐⭐⭐½ (scarred hero; you will LOL; great characters; fun story; HILARIOUS dialogue; fencing—there’s always fencing; the menstruation habits of the upper classes—no, not really, but read the book and you’ll see)

Heat rating:   🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 (see the SEX-AND-SPOILERS section.)

Tessa Dare is also a favorite. This is one of the first books I read once I started my romance journey—I purchased it on January 28, 2021. Six days later, I had started ordering books in her Spindle Cove series, which I also love. But since this one is the first TD book I read, it deserves one of my first reviews. Oh, btw, Tessa Dare does content warnings on her site. I am a big fan, not necessarily for me, but I think they’re a great idea in general. They are helpful for folks who need a heads up about what might be discussed. That’s me and the “Does the Dog Die” website for TV and movies (which has saved me a lot of grief—tell me right off if the pet is going to die so I can nope right the hell outta Dodge). You’ll hear me mention that site a lot on this blog.

Warning: If you haven’t read Tessa Dare before, you need to stop and take note of this. Her books will make you laugh out loud and people will look at you like you’re crazy. When I was reading the cat attack scene, I was trying to laugh silently so I didn’t wake up K—that scene had me snorting and shaking the bed with laughter. So just prepare yourself for weird glances in Starbucks and spitting your latte all over the person at the next table.😂

Also, I am going to tell you right off . . . it’s hard to review Tessa Dare’s novels because every single line of dialogue is amazing. Her books are the kind that cause you to grin like a fool on the subway and make people look at you like you’re going to pull your clothes off and start swinging from the poles (yeah, I’ve actually seen that happen; big city life, yo—nobody even flinched). You know I like to feature witty and meaningful lines from the books in my reviews, and it’s damned near impossible to do with TD because I want to showcase EVERYTHING. For instance, one of the first lines in the book speaks to me to the point where I would consider it for my next tattoo (I have a lot of tattoos, which people seem to find surprising. Whatevs, I’m cool): “Most of the time, a girl needed to rescue herself” (page 1). Damn skippy. 👏👏👏

And Emma Gladstone is about to take her fate into her own hands in one of the most radical ways ever. Emma’s in trouble, as we can figure out after she’s walked around the square in front of Ashbury House 10 times. Well, let’s see what happens. 👀

Well, Ash (the Duke of Ashbury ) is in his library, grumpy AF, as always. He’s not pleased that the doorbell is ringing—for Pete’s sake, he just got to Town a few weeks ago and he’s busy reaming out his solicitors for effing up everything while he’s been gone. Plus, the thing that makes him most grumpy: he needs to get married. He’s going over how to set in writing what he needs: “a woman of childbearing age and respectable lineage, in urgent need of money, willing to share a bed with a scarred horror of a man. In short, someone desperate” (3). Well, good news, I guess, because there’s a woman wearing out her shoe leather on the square outside. I’m guessing your wish is about to be granted.

So his butler, Mr. Khan, comes in and says that there’s a young lady in a wedding dress who wants to see him. Ash is like, holy shit, them dudes are FAST (kinda like Regency State Farm agents)—and just assumes the solicitors sent him a wife candidate. Emma, you’re up to bat!

So, why did I read this book and then immediately order every other Tessa Dare book I could find? Scenes like the upcoming one. Ash sees her and almost hits the floor because her dress is so hideous. Not just hideous, an “eye stabbing monstrosity.” Right then, I was hooked. Especially when the next line was “Good Lord. He wasn’t accustomed to being in the same room with something even more repulsive than his own appearance” (4). Okay, you’ve been with me for a bit, haven’t you, Constant Reader? If there’s one thing that gets my romance juices flowing (I am so sorry for that imagery), it’s a scarred hero. Books with perfect heroes and heroines are okay, but the imperfect character is refreshing. We all have scars and, honestly, most of us are not stunning supermodel hot. It’s nice to see a little of us in the fantasy. Plus, scars can be sexy. So don’t sell yourself so short, Ash.

Anyway, why the hell is Emma there? She’s a seamstress and the gown was designed for the woman who broke her engagement with him. “Ah, this began to make sense. The white satin atrocity had been meant for Ash’s formerly intended bride. That, he could believe. Annabelle Worthing had always had dreadful taste” (4). Okay, so I hate Annabelle now, for breaking their engagement and, even more, for being tacky AF. (Damn, now I’m singing Weird Al.) Oh, I love that I hate her because now I see the Annabelle doll whenever I read her name. Ash, methinks you dodged a bullet, my dude. (OMG, SQUIRREL! How the heck did we get onto Weird Al and cursed dolls already?) Anyway, Ash is freaking hilarious. After proclaiming the gown is fit for a bawdy-house chandelier, the man waxes poetic: “I can’t even take the whole thing in. It looks like unicorn vomit. Or the pelt of some snow beast rumored to menace the Himalayas” (5). Dude, I’mma use that line one day. Anyway, after badmouthing her outfit, which she actually sewed, btw, he finally gets to look at her and sees that she’s really attractive. But that doesn’t matter, because Emma is here to GET PAID. Tacky Annabelle rolled off and stiffed her on her fees and she’s destitute. She’s here for her two pounds, three shillings, and she’s not leaving without it. And he’s kind of impressed because she’s not afraid of him, she wants her money, and that’s all there is to it.

Yeah, I like her.

But I am in love with Ash. I could “listen” to him talk all day. He’s freaking H I L A R I O U S. “He snapped his fingers. ‘I have it. Your father is a scapegrace. In debtor’s prison. Or spending the rent money on gin and whores.’” No, he’s a vicar, but 10 points to Ash for that witty suggestion. But, oho, he’s found a chink in her armor when he asks why a gentleman’s daughter is working as a seamstress. So he stops all the clever-yet-totally-smartass quips and gives her her money. She tries to be sensitive to his broken engagement and why-on-earth-would-you-call-the-woman-who-broke-the-engagement-lovely-to-the-guy-she-dissed? Ah, Emma. Anyway, he does not agree, and then says something curious: “It was excellent foresight that I destroyed my face before the wedding. What bad luck it would have been if I’d waited until afterward” (8). Hmmm. Now I am really intrigued. Because there is a huge range of scars. On one side, you have Harry Potter’s lightning scar, and on the other, you’ve got Deadpool. So dude, how bad is it? Cuz I got no idea. Btw, Emma also wants to know. But yeah, they cover an entire side of his face, and they’re close to the Deadpool range. Damn. Flames plus surgery plus infection. Poor guy.

Emma is tough. She doesn’t faint or freak out. She asks him what happened (good, because I’m on the edge of my seat). And he answers pretty quickly with: “War. Next question?” It reminds me of when Dale Earnhardt got knocked out of a race right before the finish line, and when the reporters asked him what happened, he looked at them like they were really stupid and said, “Got in a wreck.” Like, duh. (Yes, I like NASCAR. I went to school in North Carolina. It’s obligatory.) But what happened was a rocket exploded in his face at Waterloo.

But, see, Ash is not done. He wants the gown. I mean, he just paid for it. But he wants it NOW. See, Ash acts as though is disfigurement is no biggie, but yeah, my man has some very understandable anger issues. He likes being an asshole, because, “if he was going to look like a monster, he may as well enjoy the role.” But, ahhhhh, he’s found a formidable opponent in Miss Emma. Emma’s clearly been through some shit, and she will not be cowed. So, boom, she starts undressing. Well, he wasn’t prepared for that, lol. He tells her to stop, though it kills him. Apparently he’s always wanted to do a vicar’s daughter. I mean, that doesn’t seem too out of the realm of possibilities. Think about “Son of a Preacher Man.” So he stops her, even though he knows he will forever regret it. But Ash also has something to bargain with—he can give her the money, or he can make her a duchess. Her choice. He needs an heir, pronto.

Emma’s staring at him in utter shock, which means she can really look at the scars. She’s not grossed out. He’s actually very striking, she thinks, and just bristling with energy, and he’s got a sweet bod. So she does the polite thing and asks if he means by marriage and he comes back with some Wizard-level smartassery: “No, I intend to use my vast influence in the House of Lords to overturn the laws of primogeniture, then persuade the Prince Regent to create a new title and duchy. That accomplished, I will convince him to name a vicar’s daughter from Hertfordshire a duchess in her own right. Of course I mean through marriage, Miss Gladstone” (14). Finally, as she stares at him in shock, he tells he needs an heir, and LAWDHAMMERCY, says, “that’s the thrust of the matter.” Did he really just say thrust while we are talking procreation? And she noticed. Heyyyyyyy. Because now she’s checking out his body, like any smart lady does and, as I said above, my man is CUT. I genuinely love Tessa Dare—I would love to sit on a beach and chat with her over margaritas. I can only imagine what an amazing convo that would be, because her writing is killer. I’m not going to put every example, but this is a good one—while Emma is checking out Ash’s body:

“ ‘I know what you’re thinking, Miss Gladstone.’

She doubted it.” (page 15)

(Reminder: I knowwwwwwwwwwwww we don’t need quotation marks with quotations in offset paragraphs, but these are the author’s words and I respect them. I want to ensure everyone recognizes that she owns these words and I am just using them here to show appreciation for her work. And her words are fire. I also know that CMOS and AP are screaming in pain at my citation style, which I just pulled outta my butt, but it’s been 28 years since I was in college and I don’t think I’ll get marked off for creating a citation style. I hope.) 

Someone call animal control for that squirrel, because I just went way off subject. But, Constant Reader, you know me.

Oh and then he makes clear to her that he’s not going to be a husband who is all up in her grill, but at night, she’s his. Whoooooo boy. Somebody get me some cold water. 💧 She, however, has decided he’s nuts. He’s already full steam ahead with the plan. He’s ready for a wedding, forthwith. (Let’s all take a moment of silent appreciation of my first time of ever using “forthwith” in a sentence. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do.) Anyway (which I also say A LOT), Emma thinks he’s messing with her just to be an asshole (which is a little bit of it, to be sure) and she’s not playing anymore. She tries to leave and he grabs her arm and boom—it’s on. Electricity is coursing through her body and going straight to her nether regions. This man is legit fire and she feels it. To be fair, it hit him the same way. They separate, she says goodbye forever, and he says she’ll be back.

Yeah, of course she will. Rich, titled, hot body, says he’s going to sex you up every night? Girl, please. You’ll be back. With bells on. (Okay, so, I Wanna Sex You Up is one of my guilty pleasure songs. I know every word. That video is early 90s gold. Let’s all take a minute and reacquaint ourselves with it. These boys are ON the turtleneck/mock turtle game.)

Constant Reader, you let me do it again. If you don’t keep me on track, we will be spending the rest of the evening watching videos from 1991. But we have work to do!

So we move to the dressmaker’s shop, and Emma is refitting a young lady’s gown. It’s too tight again, and Miss Palmer blames it on the teacakes, but we all know that’s not what she’s been partaking in. Emma is super down to earth and basically asks when the happy event will be. But this dialogue is interesting, because Miss Palmer is beating herself up for falling for a man and making a terrible mistake, and Emma knows exactly how she feels. Hm, some man has done Emma wrong. Who? How wrong? Not as wrong as Miss Palmer has been done, but someone definitely broke her heart. I hate him, whoever he is. So her next mission is to figure out how she can help Miss Palmer, as well as how to conceal Miss Palmer’s pregnancy, so she spends the evening in the closed shop working on sketches until some rude person starts banging on the door. Banging is a good word in this case, because we know who it is . . . Dude, we’re closed, she says. Not to me, says he, Dukeing up in there like he owns the place; he’s here to shop. For whom? Oh, he doesn’t care, he says it’s for an ugly woman about his size. Well, up on the dais you go, then! They keep challenging each other and won’t concede an inch. So yeah, she measures him for a gown and it is ADORBS. Because she’s running a measuring tape all over his body and he wants to kiss her. He’s looking down the front of her dress and imagining kissing her. We all want him to kiss her. Please kiss her. But no, he pulls away because he’s so sure that he’s so hideous, she won’t want to kiss him (WRONG). Damnation, we all wanted that kiss.

So he’s walking her home (she put the kibosh on the carriage) and he’s still pleading his case. My man is persistent. And he’s not doing it well. For instance, he’s telling her that marriage in his level of society is about two things only: progeny and money—how sexy; take me now (not).

But man, his actual proposal is even worse. He called her “passably pretty.” He SHOULD get the old “Bye, Felicia,” but Emma is really not stupid—she’s gonna say yes. Who wouldn’t? He’s a duke, and “she would be a fool to refuse any duke, even if he were a bedridden septuagenarian with poor hygiene” (36), and Ash is none of those things. He’s rich, he’s hot, and he’s offering a house . . . and she feels obliged to help Miss Palmer with her plight. Oh, but Emma’s been walking him all over the place because she’s trying to ditch him and now they’re in the straight hood. Okay, I know I said she’s not stupid, but maybe I spoke too soon. Cuz they’re being set upon by footpads. But it’s fine; Ash is going to show off his prodigious skill (he fought a WAR). Right? Nope, his hat gets shifted, they see his face, talk about how gross he looks, and skedaddle. And it hits Ash that he really looks awful; he’s so repulsive that it turns robbers off their mission. He knows she’s going to rush off to safety with the bad guys, but naw, our girl has a tree branch and she’s ready to swing to the fences. And damn, Ash is immediately all in his feelings. Awwwww.

Now he knows there’s no way he’s letting this woman go. And she sees it—he was always intense, but now he feels “intensely intense.” And she’s feeling it all through her body. This just got serious:

“Her body knew something would happen.

Her mind had no idea what it would be—except that it would involve the unleashing of formidable power.” (42)

He’s concerned that she’s disgusted by him. She’s turned on. Constant Reader, you know what time it is. POPCORN! 🍿

Oh yeah. So when Ash makes up his mind, there’s nothing else to say. He is having his carriage pick her up in the morning and move her into a hotel. And they’re getting married within the week. That’s it. Emma knows she’s going to agree to everything. But she’s got one condition: Her cat comes, too. There’s only one problem . . . she doesn’t HAVE a cat. But damned if that won’t stop her.

Yeah, you can’t hold Emma back, because soon, she’s standing there with her cat, “holding it in front of her like some sort of spinster bouquet.” I have never in my 50 unmarried years heard anything so perfectly descriptive. Cats will always be a spinster bouquet to me now. And yeah, I have two cats (as you have probably figured out from my profile picture). Breeches the Cat is mean and nasty and wants to claw the other side of Ash’s face, you can just tell. 😹

Let me break in here to mention that I love Ash so much. His gruff, DGAF attitude is covering up for the fact that he’s deeply ashamed of his disfiguration, and is actually extremely self-conscious and fragile (Dear God, please don’t tell him I said this). Emma later describes him as “deflect[ing] any suggestion of decency with a jaded, biting humor and had determined to convince the world of his monstrous nature” (197). But he curses using Shakespeare quotes. He makes jokes about his appearance (when the cat attacks him, he quips that he’s going to have a scar). He wants to protect the vulnerable. Ash also feels guilty—he knows he’s essentially trapping her into marriage solely to beget an heir, but he also really does have the greater good at heart. His tenants need him, and his cousin, who will inherit if he doesn’t have a kid, sounds like a total POS. He cares about these people who rely on him, which is why they’re in the drawing room with a minister and witnesses and a pile of official documents that she intends to read before affixing any kind of signature to. This is probably the last time anyone read the fine print.

Oh, but we learn more about Ash’s butler, Mr. Khan. Khan whispers the 411 to Emma while she’s signing the papers. He doesn’t pull any punches. He thinks this marriage to the duke will “either be the making of him, or he’ll be the ruin of you” (50). Damn, that’s heavy. But I have the feeling that hearing this will actually benefit Emma—clearly she wants to help others, evidenced by her need to make things easier for pregnant Miss Palmer. He’s wounded and needs healing. Khan is funny as hell here. His advice, since he says it’s too late to abscond, is to start drinking. And, boom, Emma Gladstone, vicar’s daughter and penniless seamstress is now the Duchess of Ashbury, married to a husband who just told her that sex will be nightly, in the dark, with no kissing. But Emma has found a loophole—he didn’t say anything about a kiss RIGHT NOW. She knows has to find a way to convince him that she doesn’t find him repulsive if this is ever going to work. Now, Ash is having some real issues with doing this, but just when she’s given up [“she was on the verge of  . . . slinking from the room, and constructing a fortification of pillows, novels, and kittens in which to hide for the remainder of her life” (55) which I have zero issues with; that sounds like heaven, actually], he kisses her. And everything changes for them both. She plummets into an abyss of infatuation and Ash is having thoughts that legit reminded me of George Orwell’s 1984 (“Everything was wrong. Everything was right. Everything was possible.”).

Oh, did I tell you that all of the Duke’s employees are trying to get Ash and Emma together so they will fall in love and he will stop being a royal dick to everyone (including himself)? It’s like having a dozen scheming younger siblings trying to hook up their beloved elder brother who has had a bad time with love and refuses to let it happen again. And their ideas are on par with silly younger siblings—locking them in the attic together, getting her to pretend to fall so he will rush to her aid. NO idea how they think that will work, since she can barely get him to sit at dinner with her. And when she asked him what she should call him, he came up with Ashbury or Duke “if you must be more familiar.” She decides to come up with the most annoying pet names in creation to aggravate him (spoiler: he is aggravated).

Anyway, they’re officially married so it’s time for them to get down to the nitty gritty of the whole situation. They need to get their freak on, and frequently, because he needs a son to inherit. I’m not even recounting the first two encounters in the SEX-AND-SPOILERS section because they never finish the act, for various reasons. The first time they try, she’s getting aroused and he cannot fathom that she finds him attractive, so he figures she’s just trying to rush him through it to get it over with (far from it; clearly he doesn’t remember what it’s like when a woman is hot for his D). He runs to the streets to walk off his frustration. The second one is the scene that almost caused my partner to be late for work because I woke him up howling in the night. I would love to do a play-by-play, but you need to get this book and find out yourself. Cliffs Notes version: Even though she is trying to get the party started by coming to bed naked, Ash starts it out with these sexy words: “Tonight, this will be all business . . . In. Out. Done.” However, the cat intervenes and attempts to emasculate him. So poor Ash is out wandering the streets with balls as blue as the ocean, becoming “The Monster of Mayfair” as he uses his scarred face and killer physique to protect the vulnerable. Everyone is terrified of him, especially the baddies, save for one precocious kid, who wants to be Robin to his Batman. More on that later.

She’s frustrated. He’s frustrated. She’s sitting in the cavernous dining room waiting for him. No Ash. Finally, she finds him, stalking Breeches, who is hiding up the chimney. They wait for their quarry together and—jackpot—one feline is trapped away for the night, and Ash is feeling his oats from the excitement of the hunt, because my man ain’t playing around anymore. He tells Emma she has three minutes “to make ready. Before I come to your room and pin you flat against the bed” (116). Oh snap. That got MY attention. I go into detail in the SEX-AND-SPOILERS section, no worries.

Ooooh, soon we get to meet the ladies who will make up the rest of the quartet in the Girl Meets Duke series. Lady Penelope (Penny) Campion (saves ALLLLL the animals); Miss Nicola Teague (baker slash scientist); Miss Alexandra Mountbatten (clock winder). Btw, this series kills the cover art game. Check them out.

Remember Miss Palmer and the house that Emma’s counting on? Well, FINALLY, Ash takes her to Swanlea to check it out. It’s in middling disrepair but she doesn’t see the need to put money into it because she’s not particular. Ash must remind her to think like a duchess, because repairing and staffing the home means more jobs for the local folks—“it’s not wasteful. It’s patronage.” Ohhhhh. So now she’s going through the house and grounds, looking for every single thing that could possibly be fixed or changed, as they wait for the coachman to return to take them back to London. But, nope, he’s one of the scheming younger siblings and LEAVES THEM IN A DARK, COLD HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE WITH NOTHING TO EAT OR DRINK, thinking it will draw them closer. Dude, you mean well, but if it were me, your ass would be at the unemployment office first thing in the morning. Ash tells he scary stories that are basically just snarky comments, but then she has some sort of attack where her teeth start chattering and she shivers uncontrollably. No matter how hard he wants to keep her at a distance, physically and emotionally, you know this honorable man isn’t going to let her suffer, so he holds her tight to warm her up, calm her down, and let her rest, while he tries to figure out who he needs to kill to avenge her—clearly SOMEONE did something to her because what just happened to her isn’t normal, it’s a previous trauma reaction.

Sigh. Ash . . .

Emma is thinking like a duchess now, and she offers Alexandra a job synchronizing the clocks in the house. Emma knows very little about the house, so they wander it together, when, usually, Alex would be escorted by a butler or housekeeper. Emma has already forgotten the names of the rooms and calls them things like “the Suite of Ridiculous Size” which makes me think of the ROUS from The Princess Bride. (Btw, I love houses with named rooms. Since I live in a 2BR/1BA house in the city, I don’t need many names. The Only Bathroom. The Buried Under an Avalanche of Clothes Room. The You Need to Throw Everything Away in Here, You Hoarder Room. The You Never Do Your Dishes, Do You? Room. The Cemetery of Empty Water Bottles Room. Hell, I think I have a knack for this!) They end up in Ash’s rooms, which she’s never seen before, though she cannot admit that to her friend. Well, you know what’s bound to happen. Ash and Khan (poor man) have been downstairs fencing (FENCING: EVERYBODY DRINK! As you will see in my review of Susanna Craig’s One Thing Leads to a Lover, romance novels have a lot of fencing) Ash comes in and starts undressing and they hide. This is significant, because he won’t allow Emma to see or touch his body. This is the first time she’s seen the scars and deformities from his war injury, as well as the fact that the man has a hot AF body. She wants to “kiss him, hold him, grope him, weep over him.” Oh, but remember, he’s a soldier and a freaking midnight vigilante, so he catches her. Of course, he think she’s there to stare and make fun of his disfigurement, but she admits she’s infatuated with him, and scurries away.

Now, that’s the LAST thing Ash [thinks he] wants. They discuss it more at dinner, and Emma comes clean with how she’s feeling. She knows of what she speaks, because she was infatuated with a man six years previously. He says it’s for naught because he doesn’t feel the same way, but she calls bullshit on it because, duh, she’s got eyes; I mean, he’s coming to her bedroom earlier each night and staying later. But he decides to put some distance between them. Holy crap, WHY DO MEN DO THIS? It’s the stupidest thing ever. What you need to do is C O M M U N I C A T E. But men—fantasy and IRL—never do it. So he decides to forgo their usual hot sex night. That will make it better (cue the Jennifer Lawrence “oh okay” GIF, which I probably use at least once a day). He’s an idiot. And he’s surprised when she shows up in his bedroom that night and they have the best sex of their lives. See, he’s got a kinky dark side that he’s been hiding from her, but Emma is more than up to the challenge, though he says, “don’t say I didn’t warn you.” (Don’t threaten me with a good time.)

Ash swears he feels no infatuation, but after he rocks her world in bed, he starts rubbing her cold feet, and she admits that she lost a toe to frostbite after her father threw her out into the snow at 16. She’s been hiding it, and he chastises her for that, leading her to point out that he’s being hella hypocritical. So he tells her about the rocket at Waterloo. She admits she wasn’t a virgin, and relates the tale of the boy who took her virtue and abandoned her, and the unyielding father who subsequently disowned her without a thought. Yeah, Ash is ready to commit murder, which he admits in his flippant way that sounds like a joke but is deadly serious. And we are hoping that he’s going to hold her all night, but he’s got a job to do. Usually he’s out protecting the vulnerable in the city, but not tonight. Tonight, he wants to punish those who hurt the woman he cares for. I hope she isn’t surprised when she finds out that he IMMEDIATELY went hunting for her father. Anyway, her father wakes up to find Ash standing over her bed like an avenging angel or, rather, a devil, full of threats and throwing shade at the man’s decorating. Because he knows the man is a vicar, he adds a religious bent to his threats, telling him he’s going to drag him into Hell, which is, actually, “a vast, inefficient bureaucracy” with a ton of papers to be filed. (That figures. I once dreamed I died and when I was taken to the afterlife, I was standing in a long line waiting for the ladies room. That doesn’t bode well.) Ash isn’t going to just murder the man; he’s trying to teach him a lesson about hypocrisy. He preaches redemption and forgiveness, yet abandoned his own daughter. Righteous Ash is sexy as hell, btw. Plus, he’s freaking hilarious, telling Emma’s dad that he has a reprieve for damnation because Ash got the day wrong. I really do love this man.

Ash is falling in love. He needs her more than the laudanum he was addicted to for a while after his injury. Although the plan was to get her pregnant and move her to the country, the day she sent him a note saying she was indisposed, he wasn’t even disappointed, because it meant another month of her company, another month of tupping her against bookshelves and over the billiards table. Yeah, he’s screwed. So anyway, he heads out to the night, and runs into Robin, who is actually named Trevor and who has figured out that the Duke is also the Monster. Trevor isn’t interested in blackmail or money; he wants excitement. This kid is all ready to be his partner in (stopping) crime. Call him . . . the Menace.

Back at the house, Emma catches the annoying younger siblings in a strategy session, that she has to bust into once she hears they’re planning to let loose bees, snakes, and spiders in the house to scare them into love. I’m impressed she waited that long. The thing is, the staff really do care about their irascible master and want him to be happy.

Together again, Emma shows him all of the newsheets that talk about what the Monster has been doing; he laughs it off. She’s not laughing. She wants him to stop thinking the scars define him and that everyone is staring at him. Somehow she gets him to agree to go to tea with the ladies. And he agrees! Who are you and what have you done with Ash? Granted, Penny was a childhood playmate. He prepares himself for the ladies to freak and swoon—they don’t. He actually has a grudgingly good time, though it appears the ladies have been busy planting altruistic stories about him in the broadsheets. By the time they get home, Emma is ready to reward them both. He’s barely in the door and she’s on her knees. But wait, Ash is nothing if not wedded to a cause—“I can’t make your mouth pregnant. Strictly speaking, this is outside our agreement.” Dude, really? Then, of course, he can’t even throw her a bone afterward (pun DEFINITELY intended there), because she asks what they can do next. Ash ain’t happy. That wasn’t the plan. NO way he’s doing anything public.

Except he does. Because, God help him, he’s in love and wants her to be happy. So they’re off to the theater to see Titus Andronicus, with him in the snazzy new clothing she had specially made for him that takes into account his war injuries, and her in the beautiful red gown he had made for her. He sits her right up front, but he’s distracted throughout the entire performance, because all he can think about doing is getting her back in bed, or floor, or table, or wherever. He leaves to fetch the carriage and Odious Annabelle makes her move, spouting some bullshit about how he married Emma merely to make Annabelle jealous and look bad. Unfortunately, our girl Emma (who has zero self confidence, particularly when it comes to men) believes her. “Suddenly, Emma didn’t trust any of her own perceptions. She second-guessed every conversation, every moment.” Annabelle is trash. I have never wanted to slap a fictional character so bad in my life. It’s okay, because Ash reams her out in glorious form, but during that time, Emma slips away. And he needs to find her, in a rainstorm. It’s always in a rainstorm. He expects her to be sad, and though she is, she’s also radiant in her ire, calling him things like Ash-hole (that was clever AF, TD! Kudos), and believing Annabelle’s lies. But newsflash, he broke the engagement, but let it seem like it was Annabelle’s choice. This part just tears the heart—Annabelle’s treatment of him after he was injured was reprehensible, and colored the way he viewed himself from then on. He’s baring his heart and soul to her and . . . she faints. It’s pouring, they’re too far from the carriage and home, so he takes her to an inn. This place is pretty rank—“filthy and hopping with fleas”—my dad used to call all cheap motels “The Venereal Inn,” and that’s what I christen this joint. But it’s okay, because now they both know how they feel about each other. They’re finally communicating, and she’s learning how much Annabelle contributed to how he feels he’s a freak and a monster. Everything from now on is going to be perfect, right?

Narrator voice: It was not.

Everything that comes after verges into spoilers, and I don’t want to be that person. Yes, it’s an HEA, so we know they’re going to get together and be happy AF. But the process is what I don’t want to spoil here in the meat of the review. I also REALLY want you to buy the book, and rest of the quartet. Plus, it’s time to talk about sex (now I’m singing Salt-N-Pepa. Watch this video, please. I dressed like that, I did my hair like that, I thought I was hella fly in the early 90s. This will tell you a lot about me, lol).

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Now, let’s head to the SEX-AND-SPOILERS section. Don’t read if you’re easily offended. Don’t read if you don’t want it spoiled. I warned you.

 

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Reminder, don’t continue if you don’t want to hear about sex and/or you don’t want to hear about the ending. Second reminder: these are primarily HEAs, which means H (Hero) and h (heroine) are getting together before the last page. So you know it’s . . . coming.

There are two early fairly erotic scenes that do not end in consummation. The first full on sex scene is descriptive and hot (thank you, TD). The second one is pure fire. The third will make you fall in love. Yep, three scenes. The trifecta of nookie.

Sex

Emma isn’t a virgin (remember that guy who did her wrong?) though Ash thinks she is and is obsessively concerned about not hurting her during the first two attempts. By the third, which comes to fruition FINALLY, he’s not messing around and, LAWDHAMMERCY, it was worth the wait. The dialogue is killer. He expects a terrified virgin, but, oh no, Emma is transforming. When he says things like “I’ll be forced to tie you to the bed,” her response is basically: don’t threaten me with a good time. And Ash is plenty shook. Not only is she responsive, but she’s responding to HIM. She’s aroused AF and it’s like a dream:

“ ‘This is something you’d dream about. Being pawed by a hulking stranger in the dark.’

Emma squeaked out her tentative reply. ‘Maybe?’

Unbearable moments passed in silence.

‘You are incredible.’

Whether he meant that as a compliment or censure, she didn’t know.” (120)

Well, it’s Christmas for us all because, lo and behold, Ash likes going down—it’s one of his favorite things to do, though he hasn’t even attempted since his injury. Apologies to all Regency women in London, because y’all missed out once he stopped doing that. But wait, there’s more! It’s time to consummate that marriage! And finally, he’s in there. And he’s shook. “Where on earth did you come from?” he asks her. And we know our girl Emma is gonna Emma: “Hertfordshire.”

The second scene is even hotter. Ash has got a kinky dark side that he’s hidden from her. Because it would shock and dismay her, he’s sure. Men. Stop that shit. When you fly your freak flag, we run our own up the mast right next to it. He’s trying to shock her, but it has a different effect.

“ ‘I have a bad side, Emma. One that has nothing to do with my scars. You’ve no idea what I’d like to do to you. Push you against a wall. Drive my c*ck into your sweet, wet heat. Tup you senseless. Raw. So hard that you wouldn’t walk for days. And that’s only to start.’ ” (183)

If he thinks Emma is going to turn that down, he’s crazy.

I’ve told you about TD’s descriptions throughout her novels, and the intimate scenes are no exception. They are vivid and enthralling. You will be captivated. It’s not overly graphic, but it is detailed and sexy. It’s definitely a 5 flame performance, though. And if you aren’t already head over heels for Ash, this will do it. Because while he is in the thick of it (no pun intended) he admits how much he wants her, all the time. “There was an angry edge to his words, and a brutish quality to his rhythm—as though he wanted her to be sorry for driving him mad with lust. Well, Emma had no intention of apologizing. His growled confessions were the best things she’d ever heard” (188).

There’s a fun oral sex scene about fifty pages later, full of witty banter that somehow WORKS. TD is a wizard. You’ve got a hot scene going on, but you can still laugh and face palm at some of the silly things Ash says when he should be going with the flow and having fun.

That third scene is beauty. He’s terrified that she will be disgusted by the scars on his torso, or so he says. But no, she knows him now. He’s more afraid of being loved and wanted. She legit rips his shirt from his body. No, she doesn’t Hulk out; she’s a seamstress. She knows what she’s doing. And they play a game that’s so much fun—since she never does what he tells her to do, now he tells her what she shouldn’t do, and she does it. This scene is a 5 flame scene as well, detailed and erotic. They’re finally together with nothing between him, and he begs her “Don’t love me” and her reply makes your heart sing: “Too late.” But then she vomits. (It’s mean of me to leave you hanging here but, seriously, READ THE BOOK.)

Some spoiler-y things

Her father shows up to make amends since Ash scared the balls off him. Insincere as always and she shows him the door. Good riddance.

Khan is a jewel. He is so pissed when Ash nearly lets her go, he basically pelts his master with cricket balls. That HAS to hurt. But what hurts more is a madcap caper involving Breeches, a citizens’ militia, and a ball with Annabelle. So many balls.

Ash is potent and they been scrumpin’ like rabbits, so she’s been pregnant for a while. She didn’t want to say anything because she didn’t want him to send her to the country now that she loves him. And she’s trying to get Miss Palmer sorted. The thing is, not every father is like Emma’s, so Miss Palmer isn’t in danger of being thrown out into the frozen London street to lose a toe like Emma did. But that’s why she fainted and threw up. There’s an epilogue (I LOVE EPILOGUES), so you’ll find more about the little baby there. Read the book.

The next books

The next book (Alex and Chase) is set up when they run into each other at the bookstore. Chase is the hottest man in all of London, and he flirts with Alex, who is far more concerned about the fact that he walked away with her book on astronomy. I like Alex.